That’s a picture of me in 2012 (apologies for the brows) about to go on the cable car in Brazil to Sugarloaf Mountain. I was on a day tour of Rio’s biggest attractions and booked to go and see Sugarloaf Mountain. My understanding was that the minibus would pull up to the mountain, we would get out and take some pics and get back on the bus. So as I joined a queue at the foot of the mountain I naturally assumed it was for the gift shop. It wasn’t until the queue took us past the gift shop to where I could see the cable car coming in that I realised I had booked to go on the cable car to the mountain summit. I was genuinely panicked. This picture was taken when in the state of shock/disbelief stage of panic (I giggle insanely when I’m scared). Moments after this after I closed my eyes to step onto the floating carriage as tears started to stream down my face. I missed the amazing sights as we ascended too scared to open my eyes. I didn’t care how ridiculous I looked I was too concerned with staying alive and thinking about who I was going to be leaving behind when the cable car snapped.
Of course that didn’t happen and as soon as my feet were on solid ground again I was fine. Well that wasn’t strictly true, as I couldn’t go too near the edge or look over it, but I could see the amazing views from a safe distance back from the edge so I was over joyed that I’d managed to get up there.
I have no psychology qualifications but this works for me… Since my first panic attack at 13 I started to be aware of the everyday risks we all take. Most days they don’t bother me and I can distract myself from panicking about it. I am confident by nature which certainly helps and my fears seem to be so far fetched that if I recognise early enough that I’m starting to let thoughts intrude I can more often than not laugh about it and move on.
However on the occasion that I can’t move on I spiral out of control rather quickly. I hate this feeling. I hate the biological side of it, sweating, numbness, clumsiness, heart pounding. I hate the emotional side too, crying or arguing, even screaming at people around me and along with that the embarrassment.
Therefore, I have for the last 10 years or so just removed myself from such situations. This method has not helped. I have now realised that I fear new things that I enjoyed doing before like riding a bike. Sounds ridiculous but I’d not realised that by avoiding risky situations I’d actually avoided things like riding a bike! So when G suggested we go mountain biking after being excited remembering riding my bike all over as a kid, the impending doom feeling began to creep up and over me. It was so ridiculous that I was determined to not go so I got on the bike terrified. I started being really stroppy with G for no reason (a symptom of my anxiety) so luckily for us both he pedalled off in a huff. This made me have to do it. And I did. And I loved it.
I got on the cable car that day in Brazil and since then I have been on several more. I’m terrified of heights so going up mountains is a real struggle but I do now. I’m not saying that I’m cured. Far from it in fact! I still feel sick before I do these things but every time I do it I feel that sickness goes quicker and I enjoy myself again. I had a panic attack the last time I was on a mountain. G is worried how I will cope scaling Everest and if I’m honest so am I. But I have to do it and I will do it. It’s easier now I’ve explained exactly how I feel to G and what he can do to help me when I’m in this state. It’s important to explain to those around you how they can help. I used to make the mistake of being angry when people couldn’t help me or reacted badly to me but then I realised they were just scared and didn’t know what to do. How could they if I never had that conversation with them?
Some things I still point blank to even attempt like slides at a water park! They terrify me. I hate the queue looking at them. I don’t like the journey down them as I have to hold my breathe the whole way thinking I will drown if I open my mouth. I get to the end cold and shaking having escaped death and don’t feel I’ve accomplished anything so something’s I will gladly watch others do from the safety of the jacuzzi!
We will see how far I get in overcoming my fears on this trip and I will be sure to review this blog if I come unstuck!
Below is a picture of me after I made myself zip line at Calgary Winter Olympic stadium.
expeditioningloveandstuff 